annoying ( I am)

A long holiday weekend.  Yesterday, I got impatient with H.  We were driving to a community festival/concert/fireworks and he chattered the whole time.  That was okay.  Words that he couldn’t recall included dirt and leaves.  I packed a cooler full of drinks, but he spent a long time trying to find a food vendor that sold “sweet tea”.  Most of them had canned lipton tea, but he wouldn’t acknowledge that the tea was sweetened, even though I pointed out that the first listed ingredient was high fructose corn syrup.  He doesn’t know what that means, and wouldn’t believe me that it was sweetened.  He happily danced in front of the stage at the concert, alone.  And was childishly happy when he saw that they were selling ice cream sandwiches.  Driving home, he told me that he wanted to take a day trip today, to take pictures of an Indian mound about 2 hours away.  I don’t want him to make the trip and we argued about it.  I feel guilty because part of me realizes that I should let him do things that he wants, while he is still able to….but the other part thinks that he needs to take care of things at home, the kids, lawn etc.

my surreal life

Feeling very lonely this week.  O is out of town this week and I really miss her.  My other 2 kids are busy with work and/or social lives and any time I manage to see them, I annoy them with pesky personal questions.  Like “How are you?” or “Are you hungry?”

I keep pulling away from my friends.  I feel very different from them, because of my circumstances.  It is hard for my to relate to their concerns, and impossible for them to relate to mine.  Their conversation might be discussing the merits of Aruba vs. the Bahamas for vacation….. or whether to replace their kitchen countertops with granite or marble.  I worry about whether I can afford to put new tires on the 16 year old car….or how to keep my husband from going through the neighbor’s garbage while I am at work.

adaptation

On my commute every morning, I walk by a building with a protected overhang. There is a complicated installation of wire and spikes in place, I guess to keep the pigeons from roosting there. It didn’t work. Instead, the wire has provided the structure for the pigeons to build their nests.

attempting to find reason in my life

Feeling more subdued and melancholy in the last few days.  I think it is about 10 days since I took lexapro.  Not sure if it is a good idea to quit, but I want to.  I kind of want to feel my true emotions and understand them.  Maybe the medication muted them, I’m not sure.  Also, about 3 weeks ago I finally was able to let go of my anger towards H.  I feel much lighter now, but also sadder.  The changes in him are frightening, and now noticeable to everyone.

I am a middle aged woman married to a man with fronto temporal dementia.  We have 3 teenagers at home.  I have a very demanding job that doesn’t pay well.

I feel very isolated from my friends, like I am an anchor who drags the party down with my problems and sadness.  I know that I am withdrawing more and more from friends and acquaintances but for some reason I can’t stop it.  My life is so fucked up and I can’t relate or sympathisize with other people’s seemingly more mundane concerns.  It sounds selfish.  Maybe that is true.